URGENT UPDATE 12/22/2023
Techbros everywhere are outraged that a jury of peers found the homeless guy completely innoccent of attacking our hero Don Carmignani. We believe Don should continue to be lauded for his exemplarly out-of-the-box thinking, like the time he planted "a fair amount" of cocaine in his ex-wife's car, according to a police report, to avoid being prosecuted for violently attacking her back in 2013. Plus Don had the excuse of being so boozed up at the time that he still had alcohol in his system 13 hours later. Everyone knows that getting a bit drunk is a great way to foster disruption and is the gateway to effective accelerationism. We need more of it!
If we don't have the freedom to attack the poor, or ex-wives, after a few drinks, then how is Fox News going to properly portray this dystopian hellscape of a doom-loop? We just hope that the brutal pics from the trial of the ex-wife, after she somehow got in front of his drunken fists, don't make it out to the public.
The jury, obviously not being tech bros, agreed that Carmignani was "just a reprehensible character. We were all convinced the initial belligerent here was Carmignani," a jurist said. "I really don't like the feeling of my city trying to be an apologist for a known belligerent, a known vigilante." Wow, the jurists of this once fair city will clearly never become crypto billionares, like us.
If we don't have the freedom to attack the poor, or ex-wives, after a few drinks, then how is Fox News going to properly portray this dystopian hellscape of a doom-loop? We just hope that the brutal pics from the trial of the ex-wife, after she somehow got in front of his drunken fists, don't make it out to the public.
The jury, obviously not being tech bros, agreed that Carmignani was "just a reprehensible character. We were all convinced the initial belligerent here was Carmignani," a jurist said. "I really don't like the feeling of my city trying to be an apologist for a known belligerent, a known vigilante." Wow, the jurists of this once fair city will clearly never become crypto billionares, like us.
And, lastly, how dare our court system go against our District Attorney, who we worked so hard on installing just a short time ago to prevent "crime"? Remember her immortal words:
“I understand how a violent attack like this can shake a community and I am committed to ensuring that the defendant is held accountable, so that we send the strongest message that violence like this is unacceptable,” said District Attorney Brooke Jenkins. “I am sending strength to the victim as he continues his recovery, and we will do everything in our power to seek justice for the victim and the community that has been traumatized.”
END OF UPDATE
For too long people have been interfering with our lives by sleeping on the sidewalks. How dare they! A key project of TechbroSF has been to do something about it. We call it "Bear Spray, not Beds"! Fortunately we have an excellent partner with, Don Carmignani, who, apparently, perhaps single handedly, has championed the bear spray strategy!
Don Carmignani - The "Ace with the Mace"
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TechbroSF first Medal of Valor
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Here is our hero in action, cleaning up our sidewalks. Great to have video of these acts of extreme bravery in the TechbroSF fight to end homelessness.
I'm sure you are wondering how this hero was so capable of handling this situation. Well, it turns out he had some ideal experience.The reason he was so ready to jump into necessary violence to keep the peace was because of practicing and practicing, on his wife. This caused him to have to quit the Fire Commission after just a paltry 4 months because of what silly woke people call "domestic violence". Come on, he only had to post $130,000 in bail so it couldn't have been a big deal at all. But we do hope he put his purple belt in Gracie jui jitsu to good use. Fortunately he got out of real trouble once he plead guilty to domestic violence, was fined, and they took all his guns away. But fortunately there was still bear spray, and knew how to use it for good effect. A true TechbroSF disruptor with excellent risk management strategies!
Another great thing about Don is his political connections to the City Family. His dad owned the building where Gavin Newsom owned the Balboa Cafe. But far more important, once again as a true Techbro disruptor, in 2015 Don managed to get from the City 16 very valuable medical cannabis dispensary permits, which he could profit greatly. Most other people usually could not even get a single one. But Don has (or at least had) some kind of secret political juice with City Hall.
And as a true TechbroSF, Don's family acquired some nice sets of wheels (dispensary permit profits??), a Masarati and a Harley. And being a disruptor he knew how to get around his restraining order by having his brother Michael take the community property vehicles away from his ex-wife.And he employed the clever strategy of not showing up for depositions. We think that is truly ingenious.
And Don, in true TechbroSF style, ended up suing his attorneys. Alas, he lost, but it is always good to put up a good fight.
But there is more. Don filed a suite against a tenant but then never followed through with providing the necessary info. When the trial started Don of course didn't show up. Claimed to be in ER due to a heart attack. The trial was rescheduled but then Don dropped the case.
Another great thing about Don is his political connections to the City Family. His dad owned the building where Gavin Newsom owned the Balboa Cafe. But far more important, once again as a true Techbro disruptor, in 2015 Don managed to get from the City 16 very valuable medical cannabis dispensary permits, which he could profit greatly. Most other people usually could not even get a single one. But Don has (or at least had) some kind of secret political juice with City Hall.
And as a true TechbroSF, Don's family acquired some nice sets of wheels (dispensary permit profits??), a Masarati and a Harley. And being a disruptor he knew how to get around his restraining order by having his brother Michael take the community property vehicles away from his ex-wife.And he employed the clever strategy of not showing up for depositions. We think that is truly ingenious.
And Don, in true TechbroSF style, ended up suing his attorneys. Alas, he lost, but it is always good to put up a good fight.
But there is more. Don filed a suite against a tenant but then never followed through with providing the necessary info. When the trial started Don of course didn't show up. Claimed to be in ER due to a heart attack. The trial was rescheduled but then Don dropped the case.
Associated News Coverage
Elon Musk, a proud member of TechbroSF, seemingly perfected the art of handling the press by only returning the famous 💩 poop emoji. But there is an even better TechbroSF alternative. Since some newspapers (the Chronicle in particular) are so understaffed these days TechbroSF recommends simply sending fully made up hallucinations and they will just print the stuff without checking. Startups do this all the time. This especially works when you attribute all your problems to SF being a dystopian hellscape. They just eat that shit up. And note that you don't even have to pretend that you were an eye witness. Joe Alioto Veronese wasn't even a witness to the famous event. But that doesn't matter. The Chronicle will print whatever you ask them to! Here are some examples of how you can successfully completely mislead the Chronicle in this impressive piece of factless article:
according to Joe Alioto Veronese [wrong, he wasn't an eye witness], a prominent [wrong, only Joe thinks he is prominent] lawyer and former candidate for district attorney he was approached [wrong, Don did the approaching and initiated things by bear spraying the other person] by three men [wrong, just a single person] They [it was just one person] slashed his face with a knife [wrong, there was never a knife] Supervisor Stefani, who called the victim a friend, linked the incident to San Francisco’s police officer shortage [um, no, it was because Don was a Techbro hero in bear spraying the deplorable homeless people] Stefani tried to dispel any notion that she was fear mongering [wrong, you are totally fear mongering] because “this is what’s really happening,” [wrong, the truth eventually came out] ... “I believe it is a direct result of the fact that we do not have enough officers on our street.” [wrong, it was because of Don being a Techbro Hero and bear spraying the undesirables]. "it’s not safe anywhere. Nobody is safe in this city,” [wrong, SF is a very safe city as long as you don't attack people with bear spray] Alioto Veronese said |
And it should be noted that the Chronicle actually updated this article to correct some of the original Joe Alioto Veronese hallucinations, like that a crowbar was used.
So next time you want to spread the news for an important TechbroSF project like "Bear Spray, not Beds", just make shit up!
